Figuring it all out is not an option.
I've questioned myself one thousand times, but have no answers for myself.
I have no methods, only outcomes. Destinations.
Knowing where I wanted to be or end up has never been enough to get me there.
I don't have quite so much trouble sticking to a path as choosing one.
I read somewhere that because of this economic... panic, this generation is more likely to feel lost then any other. More so than the labeled "Lost Generation" of the 1920's, I'm assuming, but then again they had money.We've been reared on a formula, an expectation that if you go to school, work hard and graduate with this GPA, you land a job and live happily ever after. Ten years later and here we are bumbling around with this fualty formula in the unemployment line! Or worse, back in school going further into debt trying to prep ourselves for the Career B.
To stay sane I have become a workaholic. My version of retail therapy: If I work enough hours at a job I hate I can distract myself from hammering my way out of this mess. Working, I can fool myself into thinking I'm not moving forward, that I'm not stuck. Every day customers come in my store, purchase, then continue on with their lives (in the next store). I hand them their receipt over the counter and I am quite literally stuck in the store as they hurriedly walk out of it, bag in hand. "Have a nice day!" I call out after them. Sometimes they're in such a hurry to get on with their lives they don't even hear me. So not only am I stuck, but I'm stuck, talking to myself.
I like to wear my sunglasses at work. Most times I wear them until I've put some make up on, or until my tired eyes stop looking so tired. Other days I wear them all day so people can't see me when I close my eyes and count backwards from 12 to keep myself from strangling them. The most depressing thing about my job is that I'm smarter than all my customers. And I mean all of them. If there is one thing this industry has taught me, its that people never really know what it is they want. You can talk them into just about anything else.
I like lists too. Every day I make out at least one for groceries, a budget allocating all of next weeks paycheck, all of the statement pieces I feel that I need in my closet. Last month I itemized my entire monthly budget- all the way down to the last tampon. I found that after everything (including 150 in savings and several bills ) I should have around 200 remaining dollars. Where this remainder actually is or goes, I have yet to discover. Something about writing it all down, figuring out all I need to do gives me some sense of control over my life. If I can just get it all down on paper (not actually even accomplishing any of it), I suddenly feel so much better. Its a release when I actually do cross something off the list because I can look at my self in the mirror and say, "I did what I needed to do. I've been Pro-Duc-Tive." You ever have anyone say that to you? You ask them, "How was your day?' and they answer "Productive." Well, hon, what does that mean exactly? Productive as in you did something or productive as in your did something that actually matters. For instance, did you productively use your time improving the life of someone else, or even your own? Or is it that you just finally remembered to pick up your dry cleaning or get an extra set of shot glasses for the house?
Little victories. It has all boiled down trivial battles won throughout the day. I cleaned my room- 3 Points. Paid a bill on time: 10 Points. Sent in a resume: Points Pending...
Eventually I hope, I pray to find motivation again. To wake up with not just desires, but optimism and gumption as well. For the time being I've lost it, and I cannot wholeheartedly blame it on any recession or a poor choice in study. I'd love to be the girl who makes it happen instead of the sales girl who makes lists. Survival is cool, but the key is to thrive.
