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Sunday, January 30, 2011
Pink - One Foot Wrong - Live in Australia DVD - Funhouse Tour
I have loved this song for a long while, but today... its like this lady is a friend of mine from way back.
Chewin the cuds. Three.
Josephine.A lot of the time I close my eyes. Almost every day, I hold my own head in my hands. Sorrowful is my voice. Melancholy is my mood. I sit quietly and I stare out, mulling things over, seeking answers for which I do not have the right questions.
I haven't been hungry for days. Don't want to see anybody. If I spoke now my voice would crack. Silence is the only thing keeping me together now and I won't shatter that little bit of tension keeping me sane. It is an awful thing, after a while, having to sit with yourself when you can't stand yourself, when you have been your only comfort. I sit quietly, close my eyes, mulling things over, seeking answers for which I ask the wrong questions.
The other day, laying in bed. I stroked my own hair. I wiped away my own tears; whispered words of encouragement into the pillow to keep myself from sobbing.
"I just want a window seat...
Don't want nobody next to me..."**
Don't want nobody next to me..."**
After a while, I don't seek comfort, don't desire company, advice, or motivation. What good is motivation when complacency has set in? Just the other day, when the sun had set I poured myself a drink. And before I could finish it I poured myself another. And before I finished that I poured myself another, and poured myself another until the bottle was gone. Drunk, I lay with my hand on head rubbing the bridge of my nose with my little finger. Something starts to pull at the corners of my mouth and at the back of my eyes, starts to quake my hands as I reach for the light.
Alone in the dark I swallow and swallow again because I just can't breathe. The silence is suddenly overwhelming and as I pull myself into a ball I feel that tug on my mouth, at the corner of my lips, the back of my eyes and my lash-line. And I wonder, if despair has come calling? Or is it Defeat soothing me now as I drift off into fretful sleep? What do I do, I have asked in prayer, what else can I do? But true answers require a bit of hope and Defeat made sure I'll never hear them. I just want to sleep now. I'll just sleep. Let me sleep.
"I just want a chance to fly, a chance to cry and along bye-bye..."
**Lyrics: E. Badu, "Window Seat"
Sunday, January 9, 2011
In the Company of Myself.
Its a shiver. Its a shiver and a raw feeling in the center of your stomach. There is an echo about the world- everyone else and their happiness, amplified all around you.
Lonely can be cold. Its monotonous: everyday tasks are frustrating because you are doing them alone. Lonely sets in in slow motion and most times you hardly even notice until you stop moving. Like when you have settled into bed, finally comfortable, just about to does off and suddenly having to pee- it wakes you up, keeps you up.
You have cooked and eaten dinner, cleaned the kitchen, changed the sheets and for what? You are alone in the dark and to make matters worse, you're wide awake, thinking about it.
At one time I was pretty good at being alone. I cherished sundown, long hot showers in solitude, and only the hum of the fan while I slept. However now I in a new predicament: can't quite seem to make dinner for one. Can't quite seem to warm the sheets fast enough. I have to stay busy. There is no doing nothing when you are lonely. Incidentally enough, Lonely (for me) is a productive place to be.
You clean and work overtime, watch bad TV, clean, buy shit you cannot afford, clean- anything to keep your mind from drifting, from longing. Because the minute you stop moving, the minute you sit down or lay down in silence, Lonely is all you can think about.
Your whole fucking house is sparkling clean and your closet is now bursting at the seams, but you still can't sleep.
Damn Him.
Or damn Her- whoever it was that once got underneath your skin, in your head, in your pants...
Its more than just horny, more than just bored- Lonely is like hunger. It nags and it grows and it makes your stomach, head, eyes and hair hurt. I just need somebody to to feed me, you say. Feed me.
Lonely- that's that place I do not want to be. I'll fight it tooth-and-nail. Fuck you Lonely, fuck that kind of misery.
Its a shiver no blanket can warm, with the pains of hunger and desire where chocolate is no substitute for kissing. That is that place I do not want to be. I will fight it tooth-and-nail. I'll say fuck you Lonely. I'll fight you, I would fight you...
if I could just get to sleep.
Lonely can be cold. Its monotonous: everyday tasks are frustrating because you are doing them alone. Lonely sets in in slow motion and most times you hardly even notice until you stop moving. Like when you have settled into bed, finally comfortable, just about to does off and suddenly having to pee- it wakes you up, keeps you up.
You have cooked and eaten dinner, cleaned the kitchen, changed the sheets and for what? You are alone in the dark and to make matters worse, you're wide awake, thinking about it.
At one time I was pretty good at being alone. I cherished sundown, long hot showers in solitude, and only the hum of the fan while I slept. However now I in a new predicament: can't quite seem to make dinner for one. Can't quite seem to warm the sheets fast enough. I have to stay busy. There is no doing nothing when you are lonely. Incidentally enough, Lonely (for me) is a productive place to be.
You clean and work overtime, watch bad TV, clean, buy shit you cannot afford, clean- anything to keep your mind from drifting, from longing. Because the minute you stop moving, the minute you sit down or lay down in silence, Lonely is all you can think about.
Your whole fucking house is sparkling clean and your closet is now bursting at the seams, but you still can't sleep.
Damn Him.
Or damn Her- whoever it was that once got underneath your skin, in your head, in your pants...
Its more than just horny, more than just bored- Lonely is like hunger. It nags and it grows and it makes your stomach, head, eyes and hair hurt. I just need somebody to to feed me, you say. Feed me.
Lonely- that's that place I do not want to be. I'll fight it tooth-and-nail. Fuck you Lonely, fuck that kind of misery.
Its a shiver no blanket can warm, with the pains of hunger and desire where chocolate is no substitute for kissing. That is that place I do not want to be. I will fight it tooth-and-nail. I'll say fuck you Lonely. I'll fight you, I would fight you...
if I could just get to sleep.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Outsiders Perspective: Is it valuable?
How clear is our perspective as outsiders? Is it really that we don't see the personal drama between a couple, that we're blind to the important factors. Or is it that we see passed the bullshit? Don't we see them at their best?
Probably not. There's a reason its called "between me and you". Because we all know that everyone knowing your business only results in more opinions which always leads to more confusion than any real solutions.
However isn't it important for us to step outside of ourselves if only for a moment and acknowledge what everyone else may see. Often it is so difficult for us to look beyond ourselves. Especially women. We spend so much time solidifying our standards and values that we get stubborn.
Relationshsips are clearly more than just sex or pleasant conversation or someone to go out with. Relationships (real realtionships) are fucking work. At some point there has to be some recognition that you are dealing with another preson, another human being. With thoughts and feeling and wants and (most importantly) fears. How dare you put your foot down! How dare you not consider these things. You wouldn't engage any other animal without knowing something about it first, without respecting it. So why not your significant other who is equal to you (hopefully) in intelligence.
Tread carefully.
Relationships are work and anyone who tells you different is lying to you.More than likely you are in a relationship because you want to be, not because you have to be. Remember that you can always bounce. You can always forfeit. Its the staying that's hard. Its recognizing and deciding that you are willing to fight for this person. Even if that means going toe to toe with their drama, maybe even their insecurities. Even if it means combating with your own insecurities.
I mean honestly- realistically- who want to be easily won? Most people (at least all my readers) want to feel some type of value. A woman likes when her man sees her as something he's earned, regadrs her as a hard-won prize. Not in the shallow sense of course, but in the sense that she was worth the fight.
Having survived the fight, isn't it a valuable moment when you take your relationship and analyze the full picture. Is the potential of "me and you" worth the pain? Is there potential? These are important questions that require you to be somehwhat objective. Can you really just decide, I don't need this shit or should you wait it out? How long do you wait it out? Do you keep looking for the light at the end of the tunnel?
Meh?
Honestly, I don't freaking know. You lookin' for advice? Came to the wrong site honey...
Probably not. There's a reason its called "between me and you". Because we all know that everyone knowing your business only results in more opinions which always leads to more confusion than any real solutions.
However isn't it important for us to step outside of ourselves if only for a moment and acknowledge what everyone else may see. Often it is so difficult for us to look beyond ourselves. Especially women. We spend so much time solidifying our standards and values that we get stubborn.
Relationshsips are clearly more than just sex or pleasant conversation or someone to go out with. Relationships (real realtionships) are fucking work. At some point there has to be some recognition that you are dealing with another preson, another human being. With thoughts and feeling and wants and (most importantly) fears. How dare you put your foot down! How dare you not consider these things. You wouldn't engage any other animal without knowing something about it first, without respecting it. So why not your significant other who is equal to you (hopefully) in intelligence.
Tread carefully.
Relationships are work and anyone who tells you different is lying to you.More than likely you are in a relationship because you want to be, not because you have to be. Remember that you can always bounce. You can always forfeit. Its the staying that's hard. Its recognizing and deciding that you are willing to fight for this person. Even if that means going toe to toe with their drama, maybe even their insecurities. Even if it means combating with your own insecurities.
I mean honestly- realistically- who want to be easily won? Most people (at least all my readers) want to feel some type of value. A woman likes when her man sees her as something he's earned, regadrs her as a hard-won prize. Not in the shallow sense of course, but in the sense that she was worth the fight.
Having survived the fight, isn't it a valuable moment when you take your relationship and analyze the full picture. Is the potential of "me and you" worth the pain? Is there potential? These are important questions that require you to be somehwhat objective. Can you really just decide, I don't need this shit or should you wait it out? How long do you wait it out? Do you keep looking for the light at the end of the tunnel?
Meh?
Honestly, I don't freaking know. You lookin' for advice? Came to the wrong site honey...
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Lady Says...
Happy Happy New Year and thanks again (as always) for being so patient with me. Just returning from vacation, a long road trip and a dying MP3 player left me with ample time to think. After mulling things over, I think I have finally combated my 3-year block.
New installments coming soon:
Decidedly Diva.
Black Gold.
He Used to Love Me.
In the company of Myself.
Stag.
Rebound Panties.
Trepidations: Internal Affairs.
Porn Star Theory.
Stay with me,
C.
When We Dance.
When we dance-
Damn it feels so good to take these shoes off
They're suede and patent leather and make me stand up straight
When we dance
I close my eyes and I breathe you in. Dancing with you
Its so familiar that closing my eyes now, I can smell you
Can recall the faintest bit of our cologne
light scratch of your beard
When we dance
For once, for real, I can let you lead
I can trust you completely and almost predict your next move
You guide me close then spin me away
But you never let go
When we dance you put me on display
You always could put on a show, but half the time I barely know what I'm doing
Somehow, somehow, when we dance, I look good
Everyone's watching. They're watching. They're whispering.
We're flawless
You move not only to the beat, but to the words as well
Your incredible body finds the mood of the music and the heart of every song so
When we dance
We're flawless
When we dance you create circles around us
I fix my hands in yours or around your shoulders and I'm locked into a very private embrace,
a separate space even
With my head resting on your shoulder I can only feel it when you're smiling
I cherish your arms, your fingers that press into the small of my back
That reassure my steps
When we dance
I'm alright
I'm yours
I believe you
I want you
When we dance
you can convince me of anything
Ask me
Ask me again
This time I'll go.
Damn it feels so good to take these shoes off
They're suede and patent leather and make me stand up straight
When we dance
I close my eyes and I breathe you in. Dancing with you
Its so familiar that closing my eyes now, I can smell you
Can recall the faintest bit of our cologne
light scratch of your beard
When we dance
For once, for real, I can let you lead
I can trust you completely and almost predict your next move
You guide me close then spin me away
But you never let go
When we dance you put me on display
You always could put on a show, but half the time I barely know what I'm doing
Somehow, somehow, when we dance, I look good
Everyone's watching. They're watching. They're whispering.
We're flawless
You move not only to the beat, but to the words as well
Your incredible body finds the mood of the music and the heart of every song so
When we dance
We're flawless
When we dance you create circles around us
I fix my hands in yours or around your shoulders and I'm locked into a very private embrace,
a separate space even
With my head resting on your shoulder I can only feel it when you're smiling
I cherish your arms, your fingers that press into the small of my back
That reassure my steps
When we dance
I'm alright
I'm yours
I believe you
I want you
When we dance
you can convince me of anything
Ask me
Ask me again
This time I'll go.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Hazardous.
Its nights like this that I want someone close to me.
Quiet nights, when you've done everything you need to do
so there's nothing on your mind, nothing weighing on your shoulders
Its cold outside, but its warm where I am and yet
And yet I know how much warmer it would be if I wasn't alone
I'm settled against my pillows
Laptop nestled and warming my thighs
Nothing negative on my mind so I look to the left
and think who out of the line up would I want with me
Who exactly am I craving tonight?
Close to me, right now. Here, where its warm and quiet
Where the fan is blowing soft overhead
Fiddling with Pandora and Youtube I set myself into a mood
All my favorite songs
Those Evening songs
Melodies that get you wishing you'd invited him over
Beats that make you smile, riffs that remind you
Remind you of past evenings
With good company
The point in the evening when all you can do is close your eyes and listen
Listening and hoping that someone will finally do everything Trey, Jamie, and Drake are saying they would
I find myself regretting playing any of this music, reading a love story, taking a hot bath
I should have showered and only checked my email before bed
My bedroom is suggestive, like any of these slow songs
These 'End of the Night' songs
These 'I have twenty seconds to find him again and take him home' songs
Suggestive like anything He may have said over the phone
Its quiet, nothings on my mind, nothing weighing on me
Just this soft nagging in the pit of my stomach and
the tips of my fingers
for skin to touch
a face to caress and ears to tease
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