Chewin the cuds. Three.

Josephine.

A lot of the time I close my eyes. Almost every day, I hold my own head in my hands. Sorrowful is my voice. Melancholy is my mood. I sit quietly and I stare out, mulling things over, seeking answers for which I do not have the right questions.

I haven't been hungry for days. Don't want to see anybody. If I spoke now my voice would crack. Silence is the only thing keeping me together now and I won't shatter that little bit of tension keeping me sane. It is an awful thing, after a while, having to sit with yourself when you can't stand yourself, when you have been your only comfort. I sit quietly, close my eyes, mulling things over, seeking answers for which I ask the wrong questions.

The other day, laying in bed. I stroked my own hair. I wiped away my own tears; whispered words of encouragement into the pillow to keep myself from sobbing.

"I just want a window seat...
Don't want nobody next to me..."**

After a while, I don't seek comfort, don't desire company, advice, or motivation. What good is motivation when complacency has set in? Just the other day, when the sun had set I poured myself a drink. And before I could finish it I poured myself another. And before I finished that I poured myself another, and poured myself another until the bottle was gone. Drunk, I lay with my hand on head rubbing the bridge of my nose with my little finger. Something starts to pull at the corners of my mouth and at the back of my eyes, starts to quake my hands as I reach for the light.

Alone in the dark I swallow and swallow again because I just can't breathe. The silence is suddenly overwhelming and as I pull myself into a ball I feel that tug on my mouth, at the corner of my lips, the back of my eyes and my lash-line. And I wonder, if despair has come calling? Or is it Defeat soothing me now as I drift off into fretful sleep? What do I do, I have asked in prayer, what else can I do? But true answers require a bit of hope and Defeat made sure I'll never hear them. I just want to sleep now. I'll just sleep. Let me sleep.

"I just want a chance to fly, a chance to cry and along bye-bye..."

**Lyrics: E. Badu, "Window Seat"