In the Company of Myself.

Its a shiver. Its a shiver and a raw feeling in the center of your stomach. There is an echo about the world- everyone else and their happiness, amplified all around you.

Lonely can be cold. Its monotonous: everyday tasks are frustrating because you are doing them alone. Lonely sets in in slow motion and most times you hardly even notice until you stop moving. Like when you have settled into bed, finally comfortable, just about to does off and suddenly having to pee- it wakes you up, keeps you up.

You have cooked and eaten dinner, cleaned the kitchen, changed the sheets and for what? You are alone in the dark and to make matters worse, you're wide awake, thinking about it.

At one time I was pretty good at being alone. I cherished sundown, long hot showers in solitude, and only the hum of the fan while I slept. However now I in a new predicament: can't quite seem to make dinner for one. Can't quite seem to warm the sheets fast enough. I have to stay busy. There is no doing nothing when you are lonely. Incidentally enough, Lonely (for me) is a productive place to be.

You clean and work overtime, watch bad TV, clean, buy shit you cannot afford, clean- anything to keep your mind from drifting, from longing. Because the minute you stop moving, the minute you sit down or lay down in silence, Lonely is all you can think about.

Your whole fucking house is sparkling clean and your closet is now bursting at the seams, but you still can't sleep.

Damn Him.
Or damn Her- whoever it was that once got underneath your skin, in your head, in your pants...

Its more than just horny, more than just bored- Lonely is like hunger. It nags and it grows and it makes your stomach, head, eyes and hair hurt. I just need somebody to to feed me, you say. Feed me.

Lonely- that's that place I do not want to be. I'll fight it tooth-and-nail. Fuck you Lonely, fuck that kind of misery.

Its a shiver no blanket can warm, with the pains of hunger and desire where chocolate is no substitute for kissing. That is that place I do not want to be. I will fight it tooth-and-nail. I'll say fuck you Lonely. I'll fight you, I would fight you...

if I could just get to sleep.